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The X Whacktor

Posted : 2 days, 9 hours ago on 21 November 2009 07:43 (A review of The X Factor)

The X Factor is undoubtedly the worst show on television and serves as a vehicle for media mogul Simon Cowell to breed a pop-star via over-exposure to the general public. For what seems like an entire year, The X Factor plagues our screens and is separated into two distinct formats. First, the four judges span the width and breadth of the country, screening hundreds of thousands of hopefuls, before secondly whittling down the list to twelve finalists that compete in a knockout competition.

The first episodes are forcibly enjoyable thanks to some excruciating quick-editing and dramatic background music which splices the countries most hopeless singers/pranksters in with the odd contestant who can actually sing. The tremendous effort the show goes to in order to highlight these jokers only highlights how unimportant the actual musical talent element of the show is. The entertainment officially ends when the show graduates into its second format, in which the judges choose twelve final acts (based on approximately three performances) to represent them in the run up to the final. It becomes painfully obvious that the judges have often chosen awful singers at this point, but after such a laborious screening process they have no choice but to stick with them in a bid to save face.

As part of the second round, the contestants must butcher their way through sixty second lounge-music versions of popular songs in a bid to claim the public vote. During this stage of the competition, the gutter press puts all important news on hold and instead prints reams of slanderous lies about the contestants, based on the smallest of mannerisms and public appearances. This ensures the continued popularity of the programme and provides an unneeded and unwarranted monetary boost to Simon Cowell's Scrooge McDuck vault. Thanks to the continued ignorance, stupidity and shamelessness of the general public, a winner is chosen, who then goes on to claim the Christmas number 1 single before fading into complete obscurity.

A completely ridiculous aspect of the show is how totally unqualified the judges are to pass comment on the contestants. Each judge has absolutely no discernible talent of their own other than to exploit flash-in-the-pan acts, as proven by their complete inability to maintain the careers of past winners, and by their insistence on miming whilst performing live themselves. How can someone who's profession is a singer, mime their way through a show before chastising the contestants on their singing ability?

The most vulgar and despicable facet of the show, however, is the fact that hundreds of hours of auditions and dramatic editing are pieced together in order to find someone who cannot write or perform their own songs. If this is truly the kind of talent that the music industry wants on board after such a long and laborious search, then it is doomed that the industry is. If you've ever found yourself seriously gripped by this facade then you are utterly wasting your time and ears. What a disgrace.



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Mums reunited.

Posted : 1 year, 2 months ago on 2 September 2008 05:45 (A review of "Loose Women")

An utterly dire British daytime TV programme in which a bunch of crusty old has-been celebrities digress about the days news events. An unsubtle anti-male theme courses through the daily chit-chat in which the saggy old menopausal dragons push the boundaries of prime-time bawdy humour. Depending on the guest, the gaggle of witches will berate, scorn, mother or flirt wildly with the poor sap who has been foolish enough to listen to his booking agent and appear on the show.

Occasionally, more 'serious' topics come up (such as whether prisoners who win the lottery should be paid the winning money), and they are tackled with all the delicacy of a sledge hammer to the face. Their brash and insensitive solutions to world problems often border on the racist, always border on the sexist and are universally greeted with feverish applause from the baying and hormonal crowd. It seems that in the 21st Century, an accepted form of equality is for women to disrespect and misrepresent their entire gender every single day under a shroud of lewd behaviour and a lorry-load of make up.

Utterly abysmal television.

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"QI" review

Posted : 1 year, 7 months ago on 25 April 2008 05:46 (A review of "QI")

QI approaches the panel quiz-show format from a whole new angle. Hosted by the flamboyant know-it-all, Stephen Fry, contestants are awarded points, not for necessarily knowing the correct answers to a fiendishly difficult question, but by being the most interesting and having the greatest knowledge of miscellaneous facts regarding the topic at hand.

Furthermore, contestants are routinely berated if they slip into the traps set out by the quiz-master by answering a question with a popular notion, or old-wives tale that despite popular belief, isn't actually true. It's a real eye opener of a show and if knowledge is your game, I'd definitely recommend watching it, because you pick up a lot of miscellaneous trivia and rebuttals to common misconceptions often banded around by others as gospel in your every day lives. Nothing beats putting people down with truths!

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I'm not sick, but I'm not well.

Posted : 1 year, 7 months ago on 25 April 2008 05:37 (A review of "Peep Show")

There is a popular group doing the rounds on Facebook entitled: "If you don't like Peep Show, you're probably not worth knowing", and I think that's a message that rings true.

Peep show is a pioneering Channel 4 comedy which if filmed almost entirely in a first person perspective. Amidst the hilarious exchanges and awkward scenarios encountered by the main duo, you hear a narration of the thoughts that are going on in their head, and these voice-overs are woven in seamlessly during a conversation. It's sheer brilliance.

The characters are two men who live at the complete opposites of the social spectrum. Drawn together by the fact that they are university friends, the hard-working, prudish, self-deprecating Mark keeps Jeremy, his lazy, bone-idle impulsive friend as a flatmate throughout the numerous series'. It is a recipe for pure comedy.

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"Dog the Bounty Hunter" review

Posted : 1 year, 7 months ago on 18 April 2008 07:32 (A review of "Dog the Bounty Hunter")

Dog the Bounty Hunter is something of a cult figure nowadays. He's a tongue-in-cheek hero amongst my family and to see that he is satirised in cartoons is a sign of his increasing stature.

The format of the show is simple. Some dude will come to Dog's HQ with the latest felon who has skipped bail or missed a court date for a really meagre offence, and DOG WILL THEN HUNT HIM DOWN AND MAKE HIM PAY. I can't ever remember seeing him take down a serious criminal, it's always people who have been caught in the possession of drugs, or ran a stop sign in the middle of the night. But that's what makes the take downs all the more sweet.

They'll spend a whole day thundering through sleepy Hawaiian towns in their huge conspicuous black off-roaders and then finally surround the criminal in his home while he's asleep, half-naked and harmless before storming in with CS gas and non-lethal guns to make the arrest. The Chapman family then makes the most of the drive back to the courthouse by practically reforming the criminal in the back-seat before they throw him into jail. Sometimes it just makes for beautiful television. Other times, it makes for a great drinking game.


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"Eurotrash" review

Posted : 1 year, 7 months ago on 18 April 2008 07:13 (A review of "Eurotrash")

One of those shows that reminds me of channel hoping while lying in bed at night desperate for something entertaining to come on. Eurotrash never always filled that requirement, but due to the absurdity of some of the stories and segments they had on there, you couldn't help yourself but watch.

When it wasn't featuring a bunch of naked Germans frolicking in a field worshipping a long-dead wiccan god, they'd often feature some of the world's most beautiful women. The presenter is utterly detestable, but I'll never forget the day I first laid eyes on Monica Bellucci on his show!

Not something I ever watched religiously, the programme was saturated with too many vibrant colours and sets, flamboyant presenters, wacky presenters and general lameness for me to ever seriously care for, but sometimes they'd have something to make you laugh.

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"My Super Sweet 16" review

Posted : 1 year, 7 months ago on 18 April 2008 04:03 (A review of "My Super Sweet 16")

MTV continues its fine tradition of only making inane programmes that flaunt the wealth of complete strangers. This show is a pox on TV. The gist is, some completely spoiled bitch is thrown a 16th birthday party by her parents - the cost of which rises into the thousands/millions of dollars - before we see it go down at the end of the show.

In the run up to said party, the superficial brats will be shown to be completely ungrateful, rude, insensitive and completely detestable to their parents who - rather than putting their foot down, growing a spine and instilling some discipline in their children - allow themselves to be walked all over and fix any disagreement by throwing more money at their precious daughter.

Lowest common denominator television. It's horrible.

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Brotherly love.

Posted : 1 year, 7 months ago on 5 April 2008 12:12 (A review of Band of Brothers)

Band of Brothers is a ten-part miniseries which documents the exploits of Easy Company during their World War II campaign. Veterans of the parachute regiment begin most episodes regaling tales of their experiences during the war, though their identities are not revealed until the very end of the series.

The show begins with the recruits undergoing basic training for the upcoming allied invasion of Europe in their Toccoa training camp. It chronicles their adventures through the Normandy airborn landings, Operation Market Garden, the Battle of Bastogne right through to the end of the war, the discovery and liberation of a concentration camp and the capture of The Eagle's Nest complex in Austria.

The show is amazing. It follows a selection of believable and human characters who never ceased to acquire my deepest respect. It is impossible to feel apathetic towards any of the major roles and after almost every episode I found myself rushing toward the internet in the hope of finding out that certain characters had indeed survived the brutal war. The linchpin and commander of Easy company - Richard Winters - is a charming and charismatic character that commands reverence and respect at every turn.

The combat scenes are dripping with realism and intensity, managing to hammer home the shocking realities of war and the toll it took on the ordinary young men sent to fight it. Scenes often switch from moments of humour - as the men try to focus on the good of every situation - to desperate struggles for their lives as they find themselves on the receiving end of a relentless artillery bombardment.

Band of Brothers dishes up realism, horror, tragedy and good humour in equal measure throughout, but what makes it so special is the fact that it is based on real stories of real men whose heroism lifted the tyrannical grip of a fascist empire from the green fields of Europe. No matter how modest the veterans of this extraordinary journey are, they're all legends in their own right. Heroes who put most of today's generation to shame.

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Stupid, fat, stroppy cow.

Posted : 1 year, 8 months ago on 25 March 2008 03:19 (A review of "Kerry Katona: Crazy in Love")

Another example of MTV probing the lives of the most disgraceful human beings on the planet in an attempt to accumulate entertaining video footage of their mental collapse. Kerry Katona is famous for being a singer in a terrible pop-band that she left around 10 years ago. Oh yeah, and she has massive breasts, cue lots of gratuitous shots of the planetarium she hoists around in her bra as she goes about her mundane daily life.

There is absolutely no entertainment value in shows like this, and this programme in particular just chronicles the downfall of a disgusting, fat, spoiled, pregnant substance abuser and her parasitic husband, whose failure to react to her stroppy tantrums is obviously a ploy to completely change his public image as a homewrecking 'love rat'. She doesn't deserve to be on TV and this show is doing her no favours as the tabloid vultures circle around her fragile mental state.

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"120 Minutes" review

Posted : 1 year, 8 months ago on 24 March 2008 08:41 (A review of "120 Minutes")

Imagine my surprise when adding this from the IMDb database that it has apparently been running since 1986. I'm not sure about the history of this show, but today in the UK, 120 minutes airs every day at 1.am in the morning. The format is simple, there are no advert breaks, interruptions or presenters to disrupt the flow of alternative music (a VERY refreshing premise in itself). Instead, you get two solid hours of some of the worlds most inspiring, upcoming and classic ambient/electronic and leftfield tracks by relatively unknown and overlooked artists.

Over the years that I have watched it, I have picked up many band and music recommendations from the show, just by keeping myself glued to the box. Not only does this programme air acts that are well and truly overlooked during 'prime time' hours, but some of the videos these unsigned/small time bands manage to assemble on tiny budgets put their popular and money-filled colleagues to absolute shame. This show is surely a must for any fan of the above genres, though it took me time to get into it. Some nights are obviously better than others, but it never lets you down, I remember seeing various 'megabands' such as Franz Ferdinand appear on this show, long before they hit the big time. I think it's one of the most important programmes on MTV2 and on music television in general.

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